HEALING ISN'T LINEAR
— By Lauren Trend
It’s been a tough time for me lately. As I am sure and I hope this community knows by now, I’m committed to showing up for all seasons of life; the good, the bad, the tough, the triumphant, and everything in between.
July felt like a shit storm I couldn’t see or feel my way out of. There were so many tests that came up that I stopped seeing them as tests and started letting the weight of the world get me down. Family, health, friendships, business. No area of life felt off limits for the universe to sweep in a dig up.
Like all of you, I want to believe that everything happens for a reason. That life doesn’t throw at us that which we are incapable of handling, but to be entirely transparent with you - there have been so many times for me of late, that even I struggled to believe that to be true.
As I sit and write today, I had no intention other than to let words and experiences and emotion pour out of me. It’s been almost a week since I was sliced into, having emergency surgery yet again, due to complications related to PCOS. Some of you might remember that I went through a verrrry similar experience, only just last October. So it’s safe to say - my reality feels a very ground-hog-day-esque at present.
I have a thousand things I want to tell myself right now. And almost all of them are nurturing in sentiment. I keep having dreams of me mothering a young child. I don’t doubt the subconscious is up to something there…
Anyone who has experienced health complications, and emergency surgery, will know how truly invasive the whole experience can be. In the weeks leading up to it, too, my body became a subject of inquiry. I felt constantly interrogated, and on the defence, answering the same questions over and over and over again. I knew that those who’s medical care I was in, were only trying to do their job. But it’s so hard not to feel like they’re trying to catch you in a lie when you’re having to defend your symptoms and pain, again and again and again.
I cried and cried and cried amidst the whole ordeal. And I couldn’t help but feel helpless and defeated. I lost count of the times I threw my hands up in the air, as if to say “life, why!? Please!! I’ve had enough!!’ But one thing I am learning and learning for sure, is that healing is not linear.
In this moment, I want to remind myself, and others, that it’s ok to struggle. It’s ok to question. And it’s ok to feel lost, hurt and exhausted. Things aren’t always going to make sense, or have lessons that present themselves right away. Sometimes, the focus needs to be on healthy distraction, not digging up the life-lesson and bruising our bodies and minds and fragile selves even more whilst they’re trying to heal.
This is my number one self-practice at the moment. As someone who wants to rationalise and make sense of absolutely everything; in this moment, I vow to let go of trying to figure it all out, and focus on resting, mentally and physically.
And when I am ready - sense can and will, be made.
I hope that you too, can find the power and strength in knowing what it is that you need. You can be committed to self reflection and growth without always throwing yourself in the thick of it. Knowing when to take your foot of the pedal is just as important as learning to drive.
Note to self; step out of the car, and refuel.