DEALING WITH PCOS
I’ve blamed myself for non existent period for almost a decade. It vanished during my teenage years due to my eating disordered behaviours. I struggled, big time. Back then, I was so proud of its absence. It was a sign that I was still underweight, even as I embarked on numerous recovery treatment cycles.
When it came back for the first time (before disappearing again for over eighteen months), I was around twenty years old, I flipped out. I had a proper tantrum. I screamed and went into a spiral of self hatred. I don’t think I touched food for a few days after...
Fast forward five, almost six years on, I feel such sorrow for that version of me. I’m so mad at them, for not fixing things sooner, but also incredibly compassionate. They had so much to learn, so much to let go of… So much to grow into.. And we’ve certainly come a very long way since then.
The last few years, I have been actively trying to bring my period back to its regular cycle. Now when it comes, maybe three times a year, I genuinely cry tears of happiness. I’m so grateful, that after all the hell I’ve put my body through, it’s slowly, but promisingly, beginning to neutralise and trust in me again.
When and if it does come however, it is excruciatingly painful. I was diagnosed with PCOS back in 2015 which, doctors attempted to comfort me, also played a huge part in my missing periods, and that the entire fault was not to be put on my previous, self-destructive and unhealthy eating habits.
There are so many people I know that suffer with hypothalamic amenorrhea. PCOS, too.
If you follow SP on IG, I shared recently that I was having a rough time with my PCOS. Being hospitalised due to a ruptured cyst, and having an emergency laparoscopy. I was so frustrated that even after paying such careful attention to practices concerning this area of my health, I find myself struggling, still.
The outreach from the SP community highlighted just how common this issue is. So many of us seem to be battling in this same arena. Endocrine disorders seem to be affecting more and more individuals and even though there is commonality found in this (unfortunate) shared experience, it can’t help but still feel remarkably isolating..
As I write this, I’m alone in my bedroom. Sentenced to best rest after having laparoscopic surgery two days ago. I miss being up and about. So much. I hate sitting still. I’m going stir crazy. I’m in pain, in bed and frustrated by my inability to work in my usual capacity. I thrive in the doing. You all know by now that I’m a manifesting generator and sitting still is next to impossible for me. I cant help but see this as a huge universal nudge to slow the fuck down. It always manages to knock me off my feet, quite literally, just after I’ve had weeks of working way, way too hard.
I shared brief thoughts earlier this week on how at first I felt failed by my body. But was quick to check myself, my thought patterns, and then stand tall knowing that it (my body) doesn’t owe me anything - in fact, I owe it..
Our bodies speak to us in symptoms. This has been a wake up call for me to tune in even more carefully. To rest, more. To honour my limits. To rejoin my body on it’s team - not persist in opposition. I’m grateful for absolutely everything it is trying to accomplish and heal for me. I’m sorry it had to scream before I heard its whispers. I’m sorry that it’s taking us so long to get there, but I am - like so many of you who struggle with similar issues - committed to making things better for us. I desperately want to be a parent one day. I hope that my body knows how sorry I am, for all harm caused and how hard I’m willing to try to repair, especially this part of it, it so we can one day go on that journey together.
So many of you have generously shared resources that have helped you on your respective journeys. I’d like to link a number of them below for those who require this information…
If there is any advice I can give; from my current experiences: When you’re in the thick of it, research and reading on the subject isn’t always the best idea. It is ok to want to distract yourself. It is important and human nature to want to stay informed and know the workings of what’s going on, but what I am learning right now is that rest is far more important than mulling over symptoms or future diet plans.
The body needs to know it has space to heal, to breathe and to be. I hereby promise mine that for the next few weeks. When we’re stronger, physically and emotionally, we can come up with a pragmatic plan of attack, then. As for now - rest.
I would like to note that within all this, I’m incredibly proud of myself for calmly and kindly informing those assisting me in a medical capacity during this time, of my preference for inclusive and non-binary language in an incredibly gendered context.
I would also like to share how incredibly humbled and touched I have been by all your kind messages, words of support, shared stories, resources and references. It has become very clear to me that pain and suffering - as hard and isolating as it can be - can also be such a powerful conduit for genuine connection & highlight community and the kindness of the collective.
Thank you for holding my words and I here.